What to Do When Your Partner Won't Work on the Relationship -

Relationships have their ups and downs. Especially the longer you are together.

You both become a different person than when you first meet. You must learn how to interact with each other as you do evolve.

​These relationship problems can feel overwhelming, especially when your partner is not working on them with you.

I know exactly how this feels and based on the amount of times I am asked about this, I am not the only one who has experienced this.

In this article I share with you nine things you can do to handle your relationship problems without your partner.  (Prefer video? Check out the Video on YouTube)


relationship problems

Go to a Counselor

Hands down the best thing you can do for yourself is to go to a counselor. It gives you a person to help you understand what is going on, work through your feelings and create a plan for moving forward.

Please note, counseling is not something only messed up people do. We all need a counselor, because we all have issues we are working through. They are meant to help us figure out how to best move forward in life.

Counseling will help you grow as a person. It will help you identify and eliminate limiting beliefs. It will help you figure out what is triggering your responses to your spouse. It will give you ideas on how to handle tough situations with your partner.

Don’t wait, get a counselor today.

Read as Many Books as Possible

One of the biggest problems we face in personal growth is that we don’t know what we don’t know. We can’t see our limiting beliefs. We can’t see the reasons behind what we do.

Outside of counseling or working with a coach I have found that reading is the best way to discover what you don’t know!

Not only that but reading can provide us with the tools necessary to manage our relationships.

The best books are those that make you stop and realize what has been going on and give you tools to move past the previous blocks.

You can find a list of the books I recommend here: Personal Growth Resources.

Don’t Listen to Unsupportive Family & Friends

Sadly, not everyone is going to be supportive as you work through problems with a partner. It’s not that they don’t want you to be happy, it has more to do with them. Either they can’t see what is going, or don’t want to. Plus, they have a vested interest in their own lives staying the same.

Your relationship challenges force them to see themselves in a different way. Many just don’t want this, so will unknowingly sabotage your progress.

Plus remember they don’t see behind the scenes.  They are not in the relationship like you are. They are viewing it through their perspective of you and your partner. Plus, their own personal experiences.

What to do about it?

Stop listening. If you need to break off contact for a while, then do it! 

I know this can be hard, but right now your mental health and ability to deal is more important. You must only surround yourself with people who are supportive of your feelings.

But remember it is more about them and not you. You do what you need to get through. They are not your concern.

Focus on the Present

Stop worrying about the future. Now is not the time to worry about where you would live if you separated. Or what would happen to the kids.

Right now, the only thing that you need to focus on is on saving the relationship.

You can deal with the rest if you get to that point. Only handle what is in front of you now.

Remember You Are Not Alone

I know it feels like you are.

That you are the only one who is having problems with their partner.

But you are not alone, in fact there are way more people with problems than you think there are.

Why do you feel alone? Because we don’t talk about it enough.

So, starting today, call a friend. Go to that counselor. Get a support group. You are not alone!

I wish I had spoken out years before I did, so please if you take nothing else from this article make it this one. Talk to others – you are not alone.

Don’t Worry About Their Why

Stop focusing on why your partner is not working on the relationship. Stop worrying about why he is doing what he is doing.

Instead focus on you.

relationship problems

What are you bringing to the relationship? What can you improve about yourself? Why are you doing what you’re doing?

Until you can say you are fully self-actualized, focus on you.

Let Yourself Feel Emotions

I know emotions can be painful and scary, but they will guide you to the stuff you need to focus on.

Plus, if you don’t deal with them, they are not leaving. You may think your feeling emotionally better.  Which you may, but those emotions did not just leave. Your body absorbed them.  When we can’t deal with our emotions our bodies take over. Eventually they start to show up as health problems.

Until you deal with the emotion, they will be there causing havoc in other ways.  (Want more details on this, check out Molecules of Emotion by Candance Pert)

So how do you feel them? Sit and just let the emotion flow through your body.

Pay attention to where in your body you feel it the most. Send love to it, listen to it. What does it want you to know?  Write it down, talk to your counselor about it. Journal about the emotion and the root cause of why you are feeling it.

I know this might sound cheesy but trust me there is a lot of good stuff waiting to come out of those emotions if you it let out.

Not sure how to journal about emotions? Check out this blog post on journaling for emotions.

Give 110%

Hands down the best advice I got from my counselor was to make sure I could walk away saying I did everything I could.

You don’t want to get 10 years down the road and regret not trying harder.

Give everything you can to fix yourself and your contribution to the relationship problems.

With that said, if you give 110% and your partner is not remember this:

It Takes Two to Fix A Relationship

If you are busting your butt to make it work and your partner is maybe giving 10%, then you need to talk with your counselor and support network to figure out how long you are going to continue to try.

Every relationship is different. Every person is different. So, you need to figure this out for you.

But remember both people need to work on the relationship. One person alone cannot save a relationship. Two people in the relationship means two people working on the relationship.

Final Notes

With all this said, there is an exception to trying to save your relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship leave NOW!

Do not try and save a relationship where you are in danger.  This includes emotional abuse.

If abuse is not the case, do everything you can to save your marriage. Take it from me divorce sucks.

About the Author Andrea Travillian

Andrea Travillian is an emotional healing coach. She helps clients break free of making the same mistakes over again. She has her MBA and undergraduate in finance and her coaching certificate. She is an author, speaker, and most importantly mom.

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